Title: A Monster Like Me
Author: Pamela Sparkman
Series: Heart of Darkness, #2
Publication date: September 4, 2018
Genre: Fantasy/Romance
Synopsis:
“I love the peculiar silence of shadows. They exist, but leave no mark.”
Zeph had been a child, thrust into a war that wasn’t his. When he was older, he discovered he had landed on the wrong side of everything.
He’d been fighting for sweet revenge, because of lies he’d believed—and those lies proved to be his ruin. Falling into despair, Zeph decides living is too painful. So, he writes his final act with poison and chooses to end his story.
But Fate has other plans for Zeph and when he finds himself in the hands of his enemies, he has to decide: Does he want to live? Or does he want to die?
Or maybe that choice is no longer his to make.
Ruled by shadows and armed with secrets he never intended to share, Zeph will be put through his toughest battle yet: the war within himself.
“He isn’t a lost cause. He’s just—lost.”
That’s what Arwyn believes. She sees the monster he has become, but what she also sees is someone worth fighting for. Armed with secrets of her own, she’s determined to help Zeph fight his demons, because there was more on the line than Zeph’s soul. So much more.
Revenge may be sweet. But redemption is sweeter. The question is, can Zeph find the boy he used to be, or will he always believe that no one could ever love—a monster like him.
“You are everything good. And I am everything children are afraid of.”
Zeph stood at the highest point in all of Faery, on the barren cliffs overlooking Death Sea. He looked out from a safe distance, listening to the ocean-song as the waves crawled benignly to shore, the palpitating pulse, steady and peaceful.
The flint-gray skies above sagged with heavy rain clouds, but the winds were sweet-tempered, blowing through Zeph’s long hair gently, like a warm, summer’s breath.
He closed his eyes and listened to the chorus around him. A symphony of gurgling and humming—of murmuring and lapping. But the chorus within his soul drowned out the music of the land with the thump, thump, thumping of a heart shattered, like a drum roll on a death march.
He squeezed his eyes tighter and threw his hands over his ears. A wounded cry eked out of him, causing him to double over from the pain of it. He begged—begged for this agony to stop.
“I’m sorry,” he said around dry, cracked lips, his voice sounding sharp and jagged, like the edge of a knife scraping against stone. “I’m so sorry.”
The air was salty, but it did little to alleviate the metallic tang of blood that stung his nostrils, his clothes soaked and stained in his sister’s blood.
“Elin,” he breathed.
He held his hands out in front of him. The sight of her blood on his skin made the memory of her dying in his arms slam to the fore. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
“It should have been me!” he shouted to the universe. “I’m the monster! You should have taken me!”
He swallowed the acid rising from his gut and wrenched his tabard and tunic over his head, casting them to the ground, offended by them. He took a few wobbly steps to the edge of those barren cliffs and heaved all that he had within him, hoping he could dislodge the rot he felt inside.
And through the heaving, he cried, “It should have been me.”
Days came. Nights went. Zeph slowly lost his sanity. Deep into his depression, on the eighth day, consumed by grief and guilt, he poisoned himself with a concoction he’d made, one that would work quickly in his Fae blood. He could have Faded, the way Elin, his sister, had once tried to do, but Fading would allow his spirit, his essence, to be absorbed back into Faery, and he had no desire for that. He just wanted the pain to stop. Losing Elin was the final act that broke him, irreparably so. He didn’t realize how much his life was tied to hers—until she was gone. Now, he wanted to be done, completely done with this life.
Weak and listless, Zeph rolled onto his back, shards of rock digging into his skin. “How long?” he said to no one, his voice too thin to be heard.
How long must he feel this desolate?
The song of the sea played on while Zeph’s turbulent chorus raged within. He closed his eyes and a vision of a young boy crept slowly toward him. In his mind’s eye, he could see him clearly: fair skin, hair the color of milk. But the downward curve of the boy’s mouth told the story. He was sad. Zeph felt compelled to reach his hand out toward him.
“Find me,” the boy said just as Zeph touched the boy’s cheek. “Please.”
Zeph’s heart lurched. He pulled his hand back and curled onto his side.
“Go away,” Zeph muttered in a quiet rasp. “You’re not real.”
The poison was working into his veins now. He was hallucinating. He would have laughed at himself had he not…
“Find me,” the boy repeated. “I can’t…I don’t know where I am.”
“You’re not real,” Zeph murmured, clamping his hands over his ears. “You’re not real.”
“I’m going to get you help,” a feminine voice said softly.
Though his mind was foggy and unclear, he thought he felt himself being lifted from the ground and then cradled in arms that felt too soft, too kind.
“Shhh,” she soothed. “Everything will be all right. I’m going to get help for you.”
He didn’t deserve it—her kindness—her compassion. He certainly didn’t deserve her help. Even the imaginary kind. “I don’t want help,” he mumbled. “Leave me be.”
“Shhh,” she soothed again.
She crooned a melody in his ear as he felt himself being lifted higher and higher, then sailing through the warm, salty air. He sobbed at the distant memory of when his mother used to sing to him, cradled in her arms. The mother he had killed…murdered, by his own hands.
He didn’t deserve to live.
“Show me no mercy,” Zeph pleaded. His eyes were too heavy to look up and see the face of the woman he imagined, but he imagined saying it to his mum. Sucking in his last breath, he made one final appeal before his world faded to black.
“A monster l-like me deserves n-no mercy.”
-Unedited. Subject to change
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Sequel to:
Author Bio:
Pamela Sparkman grew up in Alabama. She became an avid reader at a young age. The written word has always fascinated her and she wrote her first short story while still in elementary school. Inspiration for her stories always begins with a song. She believes music is the pulse of life and books are the heart of it.
When she isn’t writing, however, she’s spending time with her family and taking one day at a time.
Website / Goodreads / Facebook / Twitter / Instagram
REVIEW
A Monster Like Me by Pamela SparkmanMy rating: 5 of 5 stars
“It is only at night that we can see the stars, Zeph. Darkness doesn’t have to be scary. It can be beautiful. You have just forgotten.”
A Monster Like Me begins right where we left off, and reveals the depths of Zeph's despair as he attempts to take his own life. As an innocent child, his promising future was stolen from him, and he became what he most reviled in order to survive. His past had dissipated like an insubstantial dream you can't fully grasp when you wake, forever teasing him in the fringes of his mind. With misguided sins on his conscience, blood staining his hands, and atrocities committed against him, he felt so physically and mentally soiled that he would never come clean. He couldn't conceive of it. Thankfully, his ending was an unexpected new beginning. One that was destined to help him discover all that he had lost, and grace him with so much more than he could have imagined. Love. Hope. Forgiveness. And ultimately, redemption.
Guilt was a monster of its own. It was a wall that trapped him, held him prisoner, too big to go around, too mountainous to climb over. It pressed upon him until he was crushed underneath the weight of it, stealing his air and taking his hope.
Searly, who quietly guided them all, and encouraged them to keep on fighting with quiet life lessons and teasing wisecracks.
Elin, who overcame a terrible betrayal and taught him the powerful gift of forgiveness, and the strength of family.
Lochlan, with the gruff exterior and the heart of gold who knew the true value of friendship after years of loneliness living with a curse.
Arwyn, who firmly stood by him in faith, and believed that a man as broken as him was worth piecing back together again.
And lastly, Fávian. He was lucky enough to escape tragedy in his young life, but his innate astuteness, poetic soul, and strong principles made him wise beyond his years.
Separately, they all struggled with their own demons, some more than others. Together they formed a unified front, and a haven of support. It wasn't an smooth road they traveled together, or a simple one. Your heart aches for Zeph most especially as his sacrifices are revealed. You feel the jagged edges of his ravaged spirit, and his anguished search for a sense of purpose. But there's more to the story than their own personal healing and growth. They've been destined from the start for a higher plan, and fate will eventually lead them to their greatest battle of all.
You may be battle-worn. You may be weary. But every one of you are fierce. You are survivors. You are ready. This is your war to win. Your sufferings? They will be the thing that saves you because they are what made you. In your sufferings,” she said, “the world will be saved.”
We finally got to know Arwyn in depth here. The violet-haired elf was a bit of a mystery in the previous book, but now we got to sift through all of her layers and discover her hidden talents. As an empath, she is highly sensitive to emotion, and can easily become overwhelmed by what others are feeling. So she's learned to quiet the noise through Nyokou, the pursuit of truth, goodness, and beauty. As she harmoniously connects to nature in meditative archery exercises, she can exhale all of the excess and inhale serenity.
Her abundant compassion, and fierce loyalty were just a couple of the qualities that helped her to wait for Zeph so patiently. She was his rock, always believing in him, even when he didn't have the ability to do so himself. As a nurturer, she could neglect her own well-being, and he never failed to step up and give her the support she needed in return. It was in these moments that he gradually re-learned how to define love, and how to express it when it had been absent in his life for so long.
Their romance was a slow burn that simmered gently in the background. This is a very character driven story, with some heavy themes to address. With the internal conflicts being faced, I think that the romance was realistically and perfectly paced. Often with romantic fantasy there is an imbalance with either the fantasy or the romance, but that wasn't the case here. Zeph and Arwyn's relationship didn't suffer from a lack of development. I soaked up every bit of the yearning that seeped out of the pages, feeling the ache so keenly.
“Your heart is racing,” she said so softly. If he hadn’t been Fae, he probably wouldn’t have heard her. Zeph’s hand covered the thumping organ. “You know my heartbeats?” Arwyn laid her palm flat on the screen. “Sometimes,” she said, “I don’t know if they are yours or mine.”
I can't properly express how much I felt for these characters. They grabbed my hand, tugged me gently into their magical dark world, and wouldn't let go. I'm not ready to let go, and I'm more than a little sad that the series has come to a close. Take a chance on these books, and they will pull your heartstrings in the best way possible!!!
**A Monster Like Me can easily be read as a standalone, but to get the full experience in both books, I recommend reading them in order.
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